(I know you have attention span issues. I’ll try to be brief.)

Manny, Manny, Manny. What the hell are you doing? If I’m reading this right, and I’m pretty sure I am, you just turned down $45 million guaranteed.

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

I know you’re the best hitter of your generation, and one of the best right handed hitters ever, but Brother, you need to take some stock of your surroundings. Not sure if you’ve noticed or not, but money’s pretty tight these days.

And so are jobs, dude. You don’t really have to look very far. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the unemployment rate in California was 8.7% at the end of December. I know that doesn’t look like a big number to you, but trust me, that’s a lot. And it’s a pretty fair guess those numbers haven’t improved in two months. I realize you’re not living check to check at this point, Manny, but it might be worthwhile to point out that technically you are among those unemployed. Are you aware of this? Dude, if you don’t sign a contract with someone, you won’t play baseball this season.

I don’t know what you’re waiting for. More money? Really? Manny, All Star players like Bobby Abreu, Joe Crede, and Orlando Hudson have all signed deals in the last week or so that will pay them less than 10% of what the Dodgers are offering you.

Man, things are tough, and we all have to tighten the belt and make some sacrifices. You want a longer contract? Dude, you’re about to turn 37. You have two or three years before your eyes start to go, and your reflexes slow down. You won’t be able to rake like this much longer, pal. You don’t want any of that money deferred? What the hell are you talking about? What are you going to do with $25 million right now? Are you going to invest it? Have you seen the stock market? You don’t strike me as the land-baron type, so I don’t see you snapping up a ton of undervalued California real-estate right now. Are you going to put it in a mattress?

The Dodgers want to give you $10 million this year. Then they want to give you $10 million next year, if you decide to pick up that option. Then, whether you play for them or not, they’re going to give you ten million in 2011 and 2012, and five million in 2013. By then, the economy will probably be okay again, and you’ll have money to sink into a bull market. It’s not like they want to hang onto that money for 10 years before they pay you. Those deferred payments will be doing you a favor.

Look, you don’t need me to lecture you on the realities of poverty. You’re from the Dominican Republic, one of the poorest nations in the world. I have no idea what it was like for you growing up, but it can’t have been easy. But Manny, you need to start using a little common sense. I realize this has never been your strong suit, but just listen to me, and try to focus for a minute. Who else is offering you a contract? Hmm? That would be nobody.

The Giants flirted with you, but I have a feeling that was only to get the Dodgers to spend more money on you. The Red Sox are done with you. The Angels have too many outfielders already. And I think the Yankees are hearing that criticism from their little December spending spree. They aren’t going to offer you anything either. It’s you and the Dodgers. So, again, Manny, what are you doing? Besides making a gigantic fool of yourself again.

Stop listening to your demon of an agent, Scott Boras, and pull your head out of your rear-end. Sign the damn contract. Go win the NL MVP award. Then you can opt out of your contract at the end of the year, and we can do this all over again next year.